The Search for Sir Humphrey
by SaturnOolaa
Summary: Sharon, Emily, and Sanae Y. go to great lengths to solve a rather bizzare puzzle. (Mildish Sui3 spoilers, amusing content)


Disclaimer: Not mine.  
AN: One of those fics without any real plot to speak of. Mainly for those of you who wondered what happened to everyone's favorite Suikoden character who got progressively smaller eyes and a squarer face every time somebody new drew him. I really do like the daughters. Especially Emily. Also, writing Sharon's semivalleygirl dialogue without making it too annoying was... well, anoying. I'm just rambling now. Enjoy the fic.  
  
THE SEARCH FOR SIR HUMPHREY  
  
"... and so," finished Emily, gesturing wildly, "I said to him, 'That's what you get for calling my ma a giant woman!' They put him in a full body cast, but my fists still kind of hurt, so my da forged me these knuckles. And that's how I got my weapon."  
  
Sanae gave her a serene smile. "You really are a strong person, Emily. I aspire to become like you are one day."  
  
"Totally," giggled Sharon.  
  
The three girls were sitting at Mamie's bistro, chatting as they often did about past battles or castle gossip. They had become fast friends after discovering that their parents had all been participants in famous wars from more than a decade ago. Usually they would be at the training centre practicing their united attack, or relaxing in the bath, but the sun was out that day and Sharon had suggested lunch.  
  
The blonde dragon knight took a bite of her steak and grinned. "I just lo~ve meat," she declared loudly to the next table over. "Especially rare. Nothing like freshly grilled dead cow, juice still dripping from the inside!"  
  
"Damn kids," muttered Queen, taking another bite of her pickles.  
  
Sanae put her hand over her mouth as she attempted valiantly not to laugh. "You really shouldn't tease like that," she said, making a small apologetic face at Queen. "It's rude. Even if some vegetables are disgusting."  
  
Emily nodded. "She's right. Stick a fork in it and tell us where you got your weapon from."  
  
"Oh, I dunno," said Sharon lightly, sticking a fork in her meal. "Futch gave it to me when I started training. Mom said it used to belong to him before he had his sword."  
  
Emily raised an eyebrow at the thought. "Isn't it a little bit..." she started uncertainly, "small for Futch?"  
  
"Asked mom about that, too," Sharon replied, leaning forward onto the table and lowering her voice. "Apparently," she started gleefully, "when Futch was my age, he was, like, *tiny.* Shorter than *me.*"  
  
The three girls at once tried to picture Futch at their age and failed. Emily broke out into laughter. "No way. She's putting you on. Futch? A kid?"  
  
"It seems strange to us, but he did have to be one once," Sanae mused. "My father told me all about him in the war fifteen years ago, when Bright was still only a baby. Although... I do wonder whatever happened to Sir Humphrey..."  
  
Sharon blinked at her. "Humphrey?"  
  
"Wasn't Sir Humphrey Mintz one of the first members of the Liberation Army?" asked Emily, as though reciting something she had been told long ago. "What's that got to do with Futch?"  
  
Sanae shook her head, pushing her glasses further back onto her nose. "According to mother and father, they were travelling together at the time of the Dunan Unification War. You hardly ever saw one without the other. I wonder what happened to him."  
  
"That was a long time ago," said Sharon flippantly. "He's probably dead by now."  
  
"Miss Apple was in both wars, and she's not that old," replied Emily, standing up and pushing in her chair. "Why don't we just go ask her?"  
  
The other two girls nodded, and the trio headed off to the conference room to speak to Apple.   
She looked up at them as they entered the room, folding over one page of a book and giving them a smile. "Hello girls. You're looking well today. I'm afraid Hugo isn't in right now, but-"  
  
"We wanted to ask you a question," announced Sharon, giving her a nervous fanged grin. She was rather in awe of the older woman's calm disposition. "You were in the Dunan Unification War, weren't you?"  
  
Apple turned slightly red. "As a matter of fact," she replied, "I was. But, erm..."  
  
"Don't worry," Emily reassured her. "You don't look it at all."  
  
Sanae nodded. "Even if you *are* getting crow's feet."  
  
Apple laughed and smiled. "Thank you very much-" she started, smile fading slightly as Sanae spoke. "What was that?"  
  
Sharon elbowed the black-haired girl in the ribs. "Anyway," she said, "we were all talking, you know, and we started wondering about something. What happened to, um, Sir Humphrey after that war?"  
  
"Well," Apple said slowly, deep in thought. "That's an odd question... I seem to recall that he was travelling to Crystal Valley with Futch, but I don't quite know what happened to him after that. Why do you ask?"  
  
At that very moment, Caesar walked into the room stretching his arms. "Hello, Apple," he yawned, raising an eyebrow at the three girls. "What are you doing here? Ah, doesn't matter. We're going to be busy."  
  
"Working," added Apple, throwing a mild glare at him.   
  
Caesar shrugged and shot her back a look. "Yeah, yeah. Like I'm expecting you to-"  
  
"Have a nice day, you three," Apple said cheerfully, cutting off the young strategist and gently pushing them out the door. "I hope you find what you're looking for."  
  
"Strategists," sighed Sanae disapprovingly as they walked out of the room. "They only want one thing."  
  
Sharon stared at her. "What?"  
  
Sanae shrugged and pushed her glasses further up on her nose. "I have no idea," she replied. "It's just something my father used to say."  
  
"We might as well try asking someone else," said Emily, looking around the hallway. "What about Viki? Wasn't she around back then?"  
  
The teleportress proved to be no help. She stared at them in confusion after they asked and replied that she was Viki, not Humphrey, and did they want to go anywhere and had they seen her room around? Jeane only laughed warmly and adjusted her dress. Tuta was much the same as Apple- apologetic but with nothing to add. Lily was too young to remember anything about the war, and besides that none of them were willing to approach her.  
  
"Kidd says he can't investigate unless we can pay him," reported Emily discouragedly. The three had split up to find people, and were now meeting in the library. "And if Hugo is away, we can't ask him to lend us any money."  
  
Sharon sighed, crossing one leg over the other as she sat down on the table. "This is, like, hopeless. Why are we so hung up about finding this guy? Let's go make Shiba give us piggyback rides!"  
  
"Maybe you're right," responded Sanae. "It's not a very big deal, after all."  
  
"So," started Sharon, "who's up for a game of cards?"  
  
The girls looked up as the door creaked open and a familiar face entered the library, followed by the body it belonged to. "What's wrong?" asked Nash Clovis. "Young people should be running around doing something, not cooped up with old books."  
  
Sharon grinned. She liked Nash, who treated her like an adult and also occasionally bought her things if she nagged him long enough. "We're trying to find out about some guy named Humbert," she responded.  
  
"Humphrey," amended Emily. "We wanted to know what happened to him, because everyone says he and Futch used to travel together, but nobody can tell us anything."  
  
Nash thought for a moment. "Used to travel with Futch? Big sword, quiet guy? Yeah, I remember him. But I don't know what happened to him after I met him."  
  
"Then it *is* hopeless," said Sanae with a frown.  
  
The blonde man shrugged. "I wouldn't say that. Why don't you just look through Futch's room and see if you find anything there?"  
  
"Isn't looking through other people's things kind of... illegal?" asked Emily, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Now," said Nash, "you'd *think* that it would be. But actually, you'd be wrong."  
  
When it seemed that no further elaboration was forthcoming, Sanae nodded reflectively. "Maybe so. But even if you're right, Futch's room is probably locked."  
  
"Have fun," said Nash with a grin, tossing Sharon something before exiting the room again. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."  
  
The dragon knight caught it in both hands. She opened them and smiled. "Skeleton keys."  
  
Futch's room was on the wrecked ship, next to the large pile of rugs and blankets where Bright spent the night. Sharon giggled nervously as the door creaked open and she tucked the key back into her pocket. "Alright. Let's go, girls."  
  
The room was small and messy. The contents of several large boxes of chicken flavoured dragon vitamin chow, which Sharon recognized as a fairly expensive brand in the valley, lay stacked on the floor along with discarded armor and unwashed shirts. The bed was unmade. Sketches of dragons were tossed around the room. Displayed on top of the dresser was the trophy Bright had won when Kathy had let him run the horse racetrack, something she had vowed never to do again.  
  
"I have never seen anything so untidy in my entire life," said Sanae quietly, clearly in awe.  
  
Emily laughed and patted her on the shoulder. "Obviously, you've never seen my room back home. C'mon. We're looking for anything related to Humphrey!"  
  
The three girls began searching through the room. Tiny notes were tacked onto almost everything- reminders to take care of the laundry, go to play rehearsals, or help out with training the troops. "Mom makes him write everything down," said Sharon, looking busily through the chest of drawers. "He forgets things."  
  
Several minutes later, Sanae held up an envelope with pride. "'To Sir Humphrey,'" she read. "'Sajah Village, Highland Province, Dunan.' This looks good."  
  
"I don't know," said Emily doubtfully. "Sneaking into someone's room is one thing, but reading mail they've written is kinda..."  
  
Sharon snatched the letter out of Sanae's hands and carefully slit it open so as not to damage the envelope. "Don't worry," she said with a grin as she started to read. "It's all in the name of investigation. Anyway, there's no use backing out now."  
  
And so, the three girls crowded over the letter and began to read.  
  
Eventually, they stopped reading, because the letter had ended.  
  
"Well." Sanae coughed several times, fanned her face, which had turned a lovely crimson red, and loosened the collar of her shirt. "Well. That was informative."  
  
Emily nodded. "Yeah. Yeah. It was."  
  
"I didn't know people could do that."  
  
"Especially not on a dragon, no."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
Sharon, for her part, was utterly speechless. It was the heartmark that really did it. Maybe she could have handled the polite inquiries as to Humphrey's state of being, not to mention the graphic sex, but the small filled in heart at the end of the signature was the final push over the edge.  
  
Several things were instrumental in Sharon's state of mental well being. One of them was that Futch had absolutely no life beyond being her mom's flunky and taking care of her and most importantly, never having any sex at all.   
  
Sharon collapsed to the floor in a dead faint.  
  
END 


End file.
